Contagious
by Claddagh girl
Summary: This is a one shot random fluff-fest with toilet humor, or, the one where Merlin and Arthur are horny and clueless. Plus some misguided intervention from Gaius.


**Title**: Contagious.  
**Rating**: R or NC 17 depending on how your mind works. Or maybe I'm just paranoid.  
**Summary**: This is a one shot random fluff-fest with toilet humor, or, the one where Merlin and Arthur are horny and clueless. It was inspired by my icon.  
**Warnings/Spoilers**: m/m relationship / no spoilers.  
**Word Count**: 2281  
**Disclaimer**: This incarnation of Merlin, Arthur, and all associated entities are the property of the BBC and Shine. I'm just playing with them in an attempt to avoid washing dishes. No money is being made from this, no matter how much I wish it were.

~ o O o ~

It may have involved an impromptu drinking contest with a few of Camelot's more bawdy knights that ended with Arthur staggering in wide arcs across the courtyard and practically carrying Merlin all the way back to his chamber.

It may have been a trick of the moonlight coming through the window that lit up Merlin's face and made him look so innocent that Arthur felt an overwhelming need to corrupt him; as if the excessive consumption of alcohol and the boisterous chorus of the lewdest songs ever written that followed hadn't already managed it, even a little.

Or it may have been the fact that Merlin had never been quite that drunk before and that Arthur's hungry gaze inspired a feeling of warmth and security in him that made Merlin want to tell him everything.

To this day neither of them are entirely sure_ how _it happened, but the first time Arthur fucked Merlin they were both more than a little intoxicated and very very clumsy, which is how they ended up crashing towards the floor in front of the fire in Arthur's room, and laughing. Laughing so hard, like a couple of girls...

"_Manly_ girls." Arthur growled in Merlin's ear.

"Bearded ladies." Merlin giggled a little more, with the light from the fire dancing in his eyes.

"Your tomfoolery is doing absolutely nothing for my want, you know." But Arthur couldn't help giggling a little, too.

"Well, perhaps you had better shut me up then."

Arthur pushed his very full length straight in there without warning Merlin first, and Merlin didn't even get the chance to complain about it before he almost blacked out from the pain. Arthur just about managed to hold completely still until Merlin could breathe again, and spent the next few minutes chanting apologies into his neck while trying not to come.

Neither of them had done _this_ before, let alone with each other, but as Arthur tentatively began to move against his hips, Merlin moaned and pushed back to meet him. The awkwardness and panic melted away, quickly being replaced with a desperate need that spread through them both like wild fire. Although it had hurt like hell at first, Merlin hoped, no, he _knew_ they would do this again.

And Arthur soon realized that Merlin wasn't really as innocent as he looked.

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The next day during combat training, Merlin stood to one side and watched the men lunge towards each other under Arthur's instruction. He was holding a spare shield and trying, unsuccessfully, not to squirm around inside his britches. He was a little hung over and his arse was sore, but he couldn't quite fight the shy grin that wanted to stretch across his face every time the future King of Camelot caught his eye.

Some time later, Gaius appeared at his side and handed him a small bottle, ordering him to drink every drop of its putrid contents, which he assured was a guaranteed cure for what he had evidently noticed was Merlin's sudden infestation of worms. Merlin knew he was blushing from the tips of his ears right down to his belly, but he swallowed the drink in one mouthful without bothering to correct Gaius, and pretended he didn't see the corners of Arthur's lips turn up in a knowing smile. Gaius pushed another potion at him and he drank it all without comment or complaint.

"Take care my boy," Gaius said, patting him on the shoulder and turning back towards the castle. "That's pretty potent stuff you have there."

"Potent? Wh... What do you mean by _potent_, exactly?"

"Well, I, er... I wouldn't venture too far from a chamber pot if I were you." The old man chuckled to himself and continued his journey at a leisurely pace, leaving Merlin clasping the empty bottle in his hand and looking truly horrified at what lay ahead in his imminent future.

"Thanks Gaius," He mumbled. "Thanks a lot."

And if Gaius detected the hint of sarcasm in his tone, well, Merlin thought, that was just too bad.

He could see Arthur trying, and failing, to stop the mirth from spreading across his smug face by twisting his lips together with one hand and crossing his arms over his gently shuddering torso. Merlin was just about to launch into a quiet but very passionate explanation of exactly why Arthur should indeed keep his bloody mouth shut, when he felt his insides turn to burning water and was forced to make a hasty retreat towards the tree line. Arthur could hold it in no longer and almost injured himself with the force of his own laughter, much to the bemusement of his Knights.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Having finally made it back to the castle a few hours earlier, Merlin was now fairly certain that he had never spent so much time sitting on the pot in his entire life and very quickly began to contemplate the benefits of carrying one about his person at all times.

Two days later the slight limp in his gait was gone and it took only a few more days after that for him to stop feeling the wonderfully persistent ghost of Arthur's passion.

And if Gaius thought himself a genius for his successful and inspired treatment of his young charge's ailment, then Merlin was more than happy to let him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gaius' triumph was severely wounded, however, when late one night the following week, the two young men staggered drunkenly in the direction of the royal stables and Merlin began to squirm once again.

The old man was confused. He had been sure that his new remedy was infallible but Merlin's irritable temper and inability to sit still was obviously proof to the contrary. He changed a few ingredients and handed Merlin another bottle, this time telling him to take double the dose.

Merlin continued to fidget and made a half hearted promise to himself to never let Arthur get him drunk or touch him again. Arthur learned the value of hiding his laughter a little more successfully, and Gaius grew even more confused.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Merlin avoided Arthur, as best he could, for almost two weeks before he finally caved in and sneaked, this time perfectly sober, into the Prince's huge bed.

They lay in a sweaty heap together during the first hours of the new day, and Arthur was a little too arrogant about his powers of seduction for his own good. But then he surprised Merlin by stroking his face tenderly and turning onto his belly, ready and willing to be the one to be made to squirm for a change. Merlin eagerly kissed his way down Arthur's back and tried not to feel too thrilled about the fact that after _this_, Arthur would never call him 'the girl' again.

A long time later when they were both blissfully spent and Arthur had a new-found respect for Merlin arse, Merlin relented and thought that maybe Arthur wasn't really that big of a bastard after all.

He eventually limped through the door of the quarters he shared with his mentor just as the sun was rising in the east. He looked sweaty, exhausted, and like he'd been through a few rounds with a wild cat. Gaius began to worry that there was something seriously wrong with the otherwise cheerful young warlock but Merlin shrugged it off with a poorly disguised smirk and blamed the Crown Prince Prat-dragon for making him haul and polish heavy weaponry all night.

If Gaius didn't pick up on his silly innuendo, well, Merlin thought, that was probably for the best.

He tried hard not to wince as he made his way across the room before collapsing in to his own bed and Gaius vowed to have a stern word with his royal Highness about just how hard he was making Merlin work, especially in his condition. Merlin ignored the muttering as he curled up in a contented ball and fell asleep with a smile on his face, remembering the lingering kisses and his promise to pack a little extra padding on the saddle of Arthur's horse later that afternoon.

Despite Merlin's insistence that everything was fine, and his continued efforts to conceal his obvious discomfort, Gaius came to the conclusion that something must be done. This particular strain of worms was obviously extremely aggressive, and if there was any danger of an epidemic, he should act swiftly to find a cure and bring about its end before the whole of Camelot fell prey to it.

It was during that same day, while watching Arthur mount his horse in a most delicate fashion, that Gaius came to the realisation that the prince was also now afflicted, thus spurring the old physician into a frenzy of further investigation. Much to Merlin's amusement.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three days later it was apparent that neither cure nor explanation was to be found in any of the books that Gaius had at hand. So it was with a heavy heart and an unsettling feeling of resignation that he re-emerged from his room to impart the news of his failure upon the two young men.

The scarlet and gold Champion's tent located at the far edge of the empty tournament arena loomed large before Gaius. He shook his head with a sense of despair that made each step forward all the more excruciating.

Gaius had walked this earth for a very long time and had witnessed many things in his life as court physician, but the sight that met his wizened eyes upon pulling back the entrance of the tent, was one that quickly rekindled the feeling of bashful naivety he once held as a young boy. It took less then thirty seconds after that for the feeling to be replaced by one of amusement, that the blindingly obvious had managed to out wit his years of medical experience and lead him, like a complete fool, up the proverbial garden path.

"Sorry to interrupt gentlemen, believe me, but if I might have just one moment of your time, I have something for you." Gaius said, and tactfully averted his eyes as both Arthur and Merlin flew apart with a yelp and scrambled to cover their modesty.

"What is it? Please not another potion, Gaius; I don't think I can take any more!" Merlin complained.

"No, no my dear boy. I wanted to give you this." He shot them both a quick look of amused irritation before handing over a different bottle than the one he had originally intended. "It appears I have been treating your predicament all wrong, but then I didn't know about this thing between the two of you, did I?"

Merlin flushed a deep crimson and looked down at the small amber coloured bottle, not daring to meet Gaius's eyes.

"Saddle oil." Gaius continued matter of factly. "I find it to be rather effective for lubricating one's... seat. Facilitates a more comfortable ride, shall we say? And I'm sure your rump has been through quite enough, Merlin."

For once in his life, Arthur had the good grace not to laugh. He just smiled bashfully in Merlin's direction and stroked his fingers slowly across the back of his neck. "Gaius, you won't say anything to anyone, will you? If my father finds out..."

"Fear not, my Lord. My lips are well and truly sealed," He said, patting his chest in conformation. "Although I must say, why you thought you had to keep this from me I haven't the slightest idea. I was young and foolish once upon a time, too, you know."

The glint in his eye wasn't lost on either of them and they both let loose a soft but appreciative laugh.

"Well, if nothing else, I should think you have earned yourself a life time's immunity of tape worm, hey?" He added, his face splitting into a wide grin. "Really, Merlin."

Gaius shook with laughter and with that, he left the lovers alone in the tent to continue from where they had rather abruptly left off.

And if the sight of the prince and the warlock huddled naked behind a single armour breast plate kept him laughing all the way back to the castle, earning him a few curious glances from everyone he passed, well, Gaius thought, that was nobody's business but his.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gaius was indeed a clever and wise man but he soon discovered he still had much more to learn.

He learned to turn a blind eye when the prince took to creeping by his bed in the middle of the night and disappeared behind Merlin's door.

He learned that his aim had improved with age as he launched a boot at said door, and muttered for the randy buggers to keep the bloody noise down.

And very quickly after that, he learned to plug his ears with cloth before hiding his head beneath his pillow.

And when Merlin stopped squirming and smiled his infectious smile all the more frequently, well, Gaius learned he was very good at placating the Stable Hands when they grew weary as a result of their mysteriously diminishing supply of saddle oil because of it.

But most importantly to Gaius, he learned that although the two young men continued to bicker and annoy each other as relentlessly as ever, they pushed and shoved at each other with far less force than before. And that whenever Arthur very loudly and enthusiastically proclaimed Merlin to be the biggest idiot he had ever had the misfortune to meet, he said it with far more affection than malice and a gentle twinkle in his eye.

And Gaius learned that _that_ was a very very good thing.

The End.


End file.
